Stop #56: Bones French Quarter

Tim's review: Way out in Ballwin, this little Mardi Gras themed dive bar seems completely out of place. I'm actually really not that familiar with eateries around Ballwin, but for some reason I was a little thrown off when I walked in. Maybe it was because this place seemed a little too lively considering it was not even noon and the drinks were going down so easy. I think I was rubbing the sleep out of my eyes when I saw the bartender pour a shot a jager, then set it down behind the bar. I'm pretty sure she poured it for herself! Hey, whatever it takes to help you get through the day.

So the slinger gets dropped of in front us. It's a pretty good looking pile of crap with all the standards: over easy eggs, burger patty, potatoes, chili and cheese. The potatoes might be some of the most memorable on the entire tour. Perfectly cooked with just the right amount flavor. Unfortunately, the potatoes can't save the rest of this tasteless pile. I'd like to forget that I ever ate the burger that was underneath this mess. This was one of those burger patties that, after a couple bites, I just have to start eating around it because it just ruins everything else. Less than halfway through this plate, I'm only picking out the potatoes. As good the as these potatoes were, the rest of this plate is kind of a failure.

Needless to say, I'll probably never be back. If I need a taste of Mardi Gras covered in chili, I know a couple good places in Soulard that'll treat me right.

Tony's Review: Welcome to Ballwin, MO home of every chain restaurant in the world, families galore and Bones French Quarter the headquarters for every aunt in the world that still parties. We were there on a weekend morning, before noon, and this place was full of 50 year old so and sos geting drunk as hell and putting everyone under 30 to shame. Clearly Tim and I were the biggest pussies in the bar.

After a pretty long wait the troff is set down and I'm instantly impressed with the amount of MELTED cheese on this thing. I then noticed all of the beans hanging out on the plate, pretty sure they were pinto beans and they tasted quite delightful, little did I know at the time that they were the only good thing about the chili. And by chili I mean all of the liquid watery juice that was making everything watery and that didn't offer a whole lot to the plate. Tim is right in the fact that the potatoes were the star of the show. And definitely the first boiled, red potatoes that we've had on the tour but it totally worked on this style of slinger. Another cool thing Bones did was throw in some homemade potato chips which confused me at first since I didn't know what the hell it was but once you figured it out it was pure crisp city. The burger on the slinger was a joke, for some reason they thought it was a good idea to chop this thing up so you which was a great idea if you want to serve a burger with zero flavor.

If you're hanging out in Ballwin on the reg like my friend Sara or my main man Steve John (yes that's a real name) you probably love Bones French Quarter with their Flamin' Dr. Pepper drinks and beads year round. This ins't the worst slinger in the world and it's probably one the best you'll find in Ballwin but for everyone else there is no need to drive this far to eat pretty good potatoes and garbage everything else. 

Stop #55: Mattingly's

Tony's Review: Well something wacky happened and Blogger decided to delete my post and save it after I had written one of the finest pieces of literature ever, but you'll never read it so I guess you'll have to take my word for it. 

I'll let Tim do most of the talking on this one but in brief, the slinger was surprisingly good. I thought for sure this pile was gonna be a pure turd but low and behold Mattingly's pulled it off even with this kick ass Communion party going down in the other room. The chili was top notch and there was plenty of it. The potatoes were really good mixing the worlds of green peps, onions and even some mushrooms to create a truly wild experience. If you're in the market to hang out in Florissant you should check out Mattingly's but I probably wouldn't go there at night time...I'm too dainty.

Tim's Review: For being a sports bar that I would never ever want to hang out at, Mattingly's actually serves up a pretty decent slinger. And I'm pretty certain that this is the first slinger with mushrooms, so congratulations to this dump for being such innovators in the slinger scene. I actually thought the mushrooms were a great addition. As far as missing out on the burger patty, the chili was so damn meaty, I didn't care. In fact, a burger might have even been too much.

You know what? I just remembered that this guy I work with lives in Florissant! Tomorrow, I'm going to tell him that he has to go to Mattingly's and get a slinger. Even better, maybe I should meet him at Mattingly's for a slinger!! As long as I remember not to go on a Sunday, I wouldn't mind eating this shit again.  

So for our legions of followers out in Florissant, be sure that when you schedule your next first communion party at Mattingly's, forget the lame ass buffet of fried foods and just order a round of slingers for the whole family. Best first communion ever!

Stop #54: Ivory Coast Bistro

Tony's Review: Months ago when we ate at Melt we passed Ivory Coast Bistro and they had a board outside that said, "Today's Special: Slingers!" Great. Another place to eat at. Well fast forward to the present, we go to the Ivory Coast Bistro to get a slinger we find out that they don't have one and they only did that special ONE TIME! What the fuck man. Already this slinger sucks. We ask the waitress if they can make us one special, you know since we're big time, then she tells us the kitchen doesn't know what goes on a slinger!!! We should of walked out but due to our extreme professionalism we explained what a slinger was and out came the Ivory Coast Bistro.

It didn't look like a total piece of shit when it came out so I give them bonus points for that. The chili was plentiful and it was rich as hell, dare I say too rich? That's about were the excitement ends unfortunately; sausage, hash browns and the eggs were all really basic and didn't bring anything to the plate.

For not knowing what a slinger is the kitchen did an ok job treating some VIPs right. But at the end of the day there is a probably a good reason why they don't offer this on the menu full time. I'm sure the rest of their breakfast is good but for the time being I have no desire to head back to Ivory Coast Bistro.

Tim's Review: What the hell would you expect when you have to give the waitress instructions on how to cook your food? This thing basically sucked. But I mean that in the nicest possible way. It's not their fault that we asked them to make something they don't really make. They should have just said, “sorry fellas, we don't serve slingers here”, and that would have been the end of it. I guess I should just be grateful that they were nice enough to make this crappy meal for us.

It did actually look like a pretty legit slinger when they brought this thing out. All the right ingredients were there, under a big sloppy pile of chili. Unfortunately, none it was making me want more. I guess given the circumstance, it was exactly what I should have expected. I could have bought all these ingredients myself and made this thing at home. The only thing that really bummed me out was that sausage. It was the rubbery little hockey puck style that you get sick of halfway through the first bite. Oh and I almost forgot, I'm not sure what kind of coffee they served, but it was some of the worst coffee I've ever had. If there was a coffee hall of shit, this place might be at the top of this list.

So considering the fact that this slinger was made on the fly, it actually wasn't the worst one we've ever had. What does that say about City Diner, Uncle Bills, and those other turds in the hall of shit?! How bad must they suck when the Ivory Coast can toss a slinger together at a moments notice and not suck as bad as them? Congratulations Ivory Coast for not making it in the hall of shit.