Stop #56: Bones French Quarter

Tim's review: Way out in Ballwin, this little Mardi Gras themed dive bar seems completely out of place. I'm actually really not that familiar with eateries around Ballwin, but for some reason I was a little thrown off when I walked in. Maybe it was because this place seemed a little too lively considering it was not even noon and the drinks were going down so easy. I think I was rubbing the sleep out of my eyes when I saw the bartender pour a shot a jager, then set it down behind the bar. I'm pretty sure she poured it for herself! Hey, whatever it takes to help you get through the day.

So the slinger gets dropped of in front us. It's a pretty good looking pile of crap with all the standards: over easy eggs, burger patty, potatoes, chili and cheese. The potatoes might be some of the most memorable on the entire tour. Perfectly cooked with just the right amount flavor. Unfortunately, the potatoes can't save the rest of this tasteless pile. I'd like to forget that I ever ate the burger that was underneath this mess. This was one of those burger patties that, after a couple bites, I just have to start eating around it because it just ruins everything else. Less than halfway through this plate, I'm only picking out the potatoes. As good the as these potatoes were, the rest of this plate is kind of a failure.

Needless to say, I'll probably never be back. If I need a taste of Mardi Gras covered in chili, I know a couple good places in Soulard that'll treat me right.

Tony's Review: Welcome to Ballwin, MO home of every chain restaurant in the world, families galore and Bones French Quarter the headquarters for every aunt in the world that still parties. We were there on a weekend morning, before noon, and this place was full of 50 year old so and sos geting drunk as hell and putting everyone under 30 to shame. Clearly Tim and I were the biggest pussies in the bar.

After a pretty long wait the troff is set down and I'm instantly impressed with the amount of MELTED cheese on this thing. I then noticed all of the beans hanging out on the plate, pretty sure they were pinto beans and they tasted quite delightful, little did I know at the time that they were the only good thing about the chili. And by chili I mean all of the liquid watery juice that was making everything watery and that didn't offer a whole lot to the plate. Tim is right in the fact that the potatoes were the star of the show. And definitely the first boiled, red potatoes that we've had on the tour but it totally worked on this style of slinger. Another cool thing Bones did was throw in some homemade potato chips which confused me at first since I didn't know what the hell it was but once you figured it out it was pure crisp city. The burger on the slinger was a joke, for some reason they thought it was a good idea to chop this thing up so you which was a great idea if you want to serve a burger with zero flavor.

If you're hanging out in Ballwin on the reg like my friend Sara or my main man Steve John (yes that's a real name) you probably love Bones French Quarter with their Flamin' Dr. Pepper drinks and beads year round. This ins't the worst slinger in the world and it's probably one the best you'll find in Ballwin but for everyone else there is no need to drive this far to eat pretty good potatoes and garbage everything else. 

Stop #55: Mattingly's

Tony's Review: Well something wacky happened and Blogger decided to delete my post and save it after I had written one of the finest pieces of literature ever, but you'll never read it so I guess you'll have to take my word for it. 

I'll let Tim do most of the talking on this one but in brief, the slinger was surprisingly good. I thought for sure this pile was gonna be a pure turd but low and behold Mattingly's pulled it off even with this kick ass Communion party going down in the other room. The chili was top notch and there was plenty of it. The potatoes were really good mixing the worlds of green peps, onions and even some mushrooms to create a truly wild experience. If you're in the market to hang out in Florissant you should check out Mattingly's but I probably wouldn't go there at night time...I'm too dainty.

Tim's Review: For being a sports bar that I would never ever want to hang out at, Mattingly's actually serves up a pretty decent slinger. And I'm pretty certain that this is the first slinger with mushrooms, so congratulations to this dump for being such innovators in the slinger scene. I actually thought the mushrooms were a great addition. As far as missing out on the burger patty, the chili was so damn meaty, I didn't care. In fact, a burger might have even been too much.

You know what? I just remembered that this guy I work with lives in Florissant! Tomorrow, I'm going to tell him that he has to go to Mattingly's and get a slinger. Even better, maybe I should meet him at Mattingly's for a slinger!! As long as I remember not to go on a Sunday, I wouldn't mind eating this shit again.  

So for our legions of followers out in Florissant, be sure that when you schedule your next first communion party at Mattingly's, forget the lame ass buffet of fried foods and just order a round of slingers for the whole family. Best first communion ever!

Stop #54: Ivory Coast Bistro

Tony's Review: Months ago when we ate at Melt we passed Ivory Coast Bistro and they had a board outside that said, "Today's Special: Slingers!" Great. Another place to eat at. Well fast forward to the present, we go to the Ivory Coast Bistro to get a slinger we find out that they don't have one and they only did that special ONE TIME! What the fuck man. Already this slinger sucks. We ask the waitress if they can make us one special, you know since we're big time, then she tells us the kitchen doesn't know what goes on a slinger!!! We should of walked out but due to our extreme professionalism we explained what a slinger was and out came the Ivory Coast Bistro.

It didn't look like a total piece of shit when it came out so I give them bonus points for that. The chili was plentiful and it was rich as hell, dare I say too rich? That's about were the excitement ends unfortunately; sausage, hash browns and the eggs were all really basic and didn't bring anything to the plate.

For not knowing what a slinger is the kitchen did an ok job treating some VIPs right. But at the end of the day there is a probably a good reason why they don't offer this on the menu full time. I'm sure the rest of their breakfast is good but for the time being I have no desire to head back to Ivory Coast Bistro.

Tim's Review: What the hell would you expect when you have to give the waitress instructions on how to cook your food? This thing basically sucked. But I mean that in the nicest possible way. It's not their fault that we asked them to make something they don't really make. They should have just said, “sorry fellas, we don't serve slingers here”, and that would have been the end of it. I guess I should just be grateful that they were nice enough to make this crappy meal for us.

It did actually look like a pretty legit slinger when they brought this thing out. All the right ingredients were there, under a big sloppy pile of chili. Unfortunately, none it was making me want more. I guess given the circumstance, it was exactly what I should have expected. I could have bought all these ingredients myself and made this thing at home. The only thing that really bummed me out was that sausage. It was the rubbery little hockey puck style that you get sick of halfway through the first bite. Oh and I almost forgot, I'm not sure what kind of coffee they served, but it was some of the worst coffee I've ever had. If there was a coffee hall of shit, this place might be at the top of this list.

So considering the fact that this slinger was made on the fly, it actually wasn't the worst one we've ever had. What does that say about City Diner, Uncle Bills, and those other turds in the hall of shit?! How bad must they suck when the Ivory Coast can toss a slinger together at a moments notice and not suck as bad as them? Congratulations Ivory Coast for not making it in the hall of shit.

Stop #53: Silver Ballroom

Tony's Review: If you haven't been to Silver Ballroom you should go you dingus, it's a great cheap bar with an even better punk heavy jukebox. Yes you can smoke there which is a bummer for little old clean lungs here but could be a bonus for you lazy smoking slobs. So you're probably asking how the hell a smokey punk pinball bar has a slinger?!?!?! It's not a slinger in the traditional sense but instead is an Australian Meat Pie...which in American translates to a pot pie (apologies if that's not true but it's close enough for this trashy blog).

I'll be honest here, I had been dreading eating this thing for a while, every time I've been there enjoying giant beers the meat pies just sit in a heated case thing looking sad as hell. So when I took my first bite and it didn't taste like stale ass shit I was surprised, but when I took my second bite and it tasted good as hell I was floored. This place somehow crammed the ingredients of a slinger into a small pot pie, which for you guys at home its about the size of a Banquet Frozen Pot Pie, and if you don't know the size of that you're a rich dick who never had to eat garbage food when you didn't have money. Anyway, you got your scrambled eggs which were fluffy and had a great taste, your chili which was pretty standard but in this package it gets bonus points because you could clearly taste it and it didn't just blend into everything. Then we got some creamy cheese, couldn't tell what kind and didn't care it just tasted good and finally they managed to throw in some hash browns as a top layer.

I do know a dude who works there and specifically makes these things, which means they're made fresh frequently enough, he had all the details about the ingredients which were way more impressive than my 4th grade explanation up above but I don't remember that shit. The next time you're at the Ballroom getting wacky pay the $5 and treat yourself to an Australian slinger meat pie.

Tim's Review: Who would've thought that we would get such a tasty surprise from those sad looking little meat pies? Especially this late in the game. I'm a big fan of the Silver ballroom, but I got to be honest, I always thought those meat pies looked pretty pathetic. I didn't even really think of this as a real slinger at first, but they got all the right shit in there and damn was it good.

Tony already spelled it all out, the eggs, chili, cheese.... it was all there and it was all amazing, but there's one other thing that I really liked about this little meat pie: It was clean. It was actually the cleanest slinger ever. I know part of the charm of the slinger is that it looks like a big sloppy pile of shit, but I'm kind of a clean dude. I'm not a crazy germ freak or anything, but I like to keep things nice and tidy. I don't know that this really makes sense, but the point is I just really appreciate the simple, clean approach of the meat pie. This slinger isn't all about just looking good and doesn't need a massive steamy pile of chili to make my mouth water. It's all wrapped up in this nice little package and it just taste great.

After some long, hard soul searching and taking my taste buds down memory lane, I've decided to make a replacement in my top 10. I didn't want to lose Joe's Chili Bowl, so instead of putting the ballroom in there and forcing everything else to slide down the list, Clayton Diner is out and the slinger meat pie is in at number 8.   

Stop #52: Dave's Diner

Tony's Review: Dave's Diner is out there in South County right by Ronnie's and it used to be an Eat-Rite. I think it changed over maybe 6 months ago but it doesn't really matter because it's still basically an Eat-Rite.

This slinger was classic diner to the max, descent chili, thin but just ok burger, slightly undercooked hash browns, standard eggs and of course the unmelted American cheese slices.

It was fine not great, honestly read the Eat-Rite review for a better version of this post and when we were much happier to eat slingers. I'm phoning this one in.

Tim's Review: Clearly nothing too exciting about Dave's Diner. I know it used to be an Eat Rite, but I still don't think it was as good. Actually, we probably ate the Eat Rite slinger close to a year ago, so in all honesty, I probably can't even remember well enough to make a fair comparison. Regardless, I'm going to say Dave's is not as good.

What's the problem with this slinger?....... I don't know really. My only real complaint is that the hash browns weren't crispy and slightly burnt. Remember those hash browns at The Buttery? I think that was way back in stop #2. Those are still some of my favorite hash browns. Even though Dave's is probably only about a 10 minute drive, it's still not worth the trip. I got plenty of other choice's for the standard diner slinger.

If you do find yourself crusing down lindbergh and you're looking for some cheap greasy food, I guess Dave's in not the worst spot. Just don't go to TJ's Diner because that place is kind of a shit hole.  

Stop #51: Sub-Zero Vodka Bar

Tony's Review: "Welcome to Club Paradise, aka Sub-Zero." That's how we were greeted at this place, a little cocky yes but they do have every vodka ever made here. If only that were true. None of that happened, what did happen is that we went to an overpriced fancy bar in the Central West End and ate a $14 slinger burger.

The atmosphere at Sub Zero is clearly for a demographic that aren't a bunch of sweat pant wearing slobs that have been on a year long tour to find the best slinger in St. Louis but sometimes you gotta take your lumps. We've had a slinger burger before and it was alright, luckily the burger here was a bit better. When it arrived it looked like there was a gallon of chili on it, pouring over the edges like the terrifying movie, "The Blob". I had to break one of my life rules of not eating a sandwich with a fork and knife but this burger demanded respect. The burger was really well cooked and had an overall solid taste, the egg was fried which is good for cleanliness but bad for yolk explosions and since I was already eating with a fork and knife like a sissy I would of loved that yolk party. Biggest bummer of the night was when I got psyched out by all of that chili pouring over the edges only to find that it barely existed on the middle of the burger. The chili was descent and it could of been great if there were only 32 more ounces of it.

Listen. If you're going to Sub Zero it's probably because you're trying to get fresh on some bimbo or because you're trying to impress which your friends with your worldly vodka knowledge, which they don't give a shit about. You shouldn't be ordering a $14 slinger burger, just go to Rally's and get the Big Buford, just don't go to the one on Grand & Chouteau, they suck.

Tim's Review: I'm sure I've probably mentioned this before, but I'm not really a fan of the Central West End and for reasons that have nothing to do with food. First, because I'm an old man and don't want to have to drive around for 20 minutes just to end up parking 6 blocks away from the restaurant. And second, because I'm a cheap skate and don't want to pay some jack ass to park my car when I'm perfectly capable of parking it myself. Regardless of how annoying I knew this trip was going to be, I have heard good things about the burgers at Sub Zero. If their burgers are good, the slinger burger must be great. Right?

Ehhhhhhh, it was just ok. The picture definitely makes it look a lot better that it was. The biggest bummer was by far the lack of chili. It needed at least twice as much as they put on there. But even if this burger was swimming in a bucket of chili, the burger was just not that awesome. I guess it did it's job as a burger, but I'm not going to think about it the next time I crave a big fat and juicy grilled burger.  I got dozens of other places I could waste $14.  A nice little bonus though was the side of sweet potato fries, which were great.

So despite the fact that I made the drive into this bullshit neighborhood, the slinger was not too bad. Was it worth fourteen big ones? Nope. Will I ever order it again? Most likely not. Actually now that I'm thinking about it, the only reason I have to go eat in the Central West End again is for the delicious, 7^th place, West End Pub & Grill.   

Stop #50: Allin's Diner

Tony's Review: The big 50th slinger, what a momentous occasion! The only thing that was good about this special anniversary is that the slinger didn't suck but we did have to drive out to St. Charles for it, which is never good. Allin's Diner is a great little place out by Lindenhood University and has about 60 different soups that you can buy in gallon quantities which is a lot of soup.

I can't speak for all of those soups but I can speak for their slinger which was just flat out great. This was one of the more appealing slingers I've had the joy of eating and didn't instantly depress me like some of the other ones. First let's talk about the star of the show, Chef Dave's Famous chili, I'm assuming that Chef Dave is the same motherfucker whose making 60 soups and he still finds time in his soup world to make some real world chili. My main man Dave is throwing in black and kidney beans, some sweet meat chunks and of course some over the top bold ass flavors, it was excellent and probably one of the most memorable chili on the tour. The hash browns were well cooked and crispy which again really mushy hash browns will always ruin a slinger. The burger was legit, not too big or thick and well seasoned which is all I ever want and the eggs were exactly what they needed to be and provided the yolk explosion that I demand.

Though Allin's Diner is a 30 minute drive from the Slinger HQ it proved to be well worth the drive and would recommend it to anyone who may be out that way. Beware they have diner hours so they close around 2pm pretty much everyday. This one is definitely going to make it in my Top 10 and it was great to have a traditional diner slinger this late in the game taste so good.

Tim's Review: 50 slingers!! I'm pretty sure that has to be some kind of a record and I'm going to go ahead and say that Tony and I are now officially slinger experts. Who else is foolish enough to eat this much crap every single week? There are times when I feel like this was the greatest idea ever, and then there are the times when I feel sad and depressed (thank you Steak n shake). Either way, 50 sounds like quite an accomplishment to me.

So I wasn't quite as impressed with Allin's as my partner Tony, but it wasn't anything horrible.  This was done in the classic style, which I always like.  Good crispy hash browns, a burger, and the eggs was pretty spot on.  All the parts were good, but nothing was soo amazing that I would drive to St. Charles for this again. The chili was definitely the highlight. Spicy, meaty, and just the right amount. 

I guess if you do get stuck in St. Charles for some reason this would be the spot to kill some time. I don't think I'd get the slinger again though. I saw some old lady chomping on a pretty good looking egg burrito and if I do make it back to Allins I think I'll have to give that a try.