The End is Here: Meet the Runner Ups

So our journey has finally come to an end. After almost 16 months and basically 64 weeks of weekly slingers (we were eating more than one a week towards the end) we have done it. We've gained weight, lost our girlish figures and have spent roughly $800 on pure human garbage troughs. We took our individual top tens and decided to re-eat them to come up with an ultimate top ten, you know separate the boys from the men—U.S.A style.

Benton Park Cafe: Tony: I really like Benton Park Cafe, especially their beer biscuits, but if there's one thing I've learned from eating here numerous times it's that their shit is inconsistent. Sometimes they're soft and tasty but most of the time they're hard and shitty thus resulting in a less than excellent slinger.

O'Shays: Tony: I don't think I've ever seen Tim so upset. Dude HATES mashed potatoes but I love them, I would say there isn't another slinger like this in the city and for that I give them points but we just couldn't come to an agreement on this one, while I really enjoyed the dinner qualities of this one at the end of the day it just wasn't top ten worthy.

Joe's Chili Bowl: Tim: Ohhhhh so close! Joe's Chili Bowl is just missing greatness coming in as the 11th best slinger in town. What's their secret? Well of course Joe's Chili Bowl has some great chili.  Then there's the fact that it's smothering a mountain of kick ass fries. For some reason reason it seems that this place is always empty, but don't let fool you, shit's good as hell. Whenever it's not 400 degrees out, you should definitely come give this place a try.

A Pretty Cool Conversation

This is a series of text messages exchanged between myself and #1 fan, Dave Todd, who had joined us in re-eating the Eat-Rite Diner slinger. Dave doesn't eat many slingers so he doesn't have the "experience" Tim and I have.

Stop #58: Alumni

Tony's Review: Well here I was thinking we were done eating all the new slingers St. Louis has to offer and then my buddy Drew mentions this place...I was less than pumped. Then I find out it's a fancier place which I'm not really into and then he tells me they're slinger fries!? Never had those but I'm sure a classy chef can charge me too much for them.

We get to the place and it is fancy, at least for what we've seen on this never ending tour, but then we find out it's not even on the menu anymore cause only one loyal dude was ordering them. A wave of relief washed over me but then this over achieving bartender said she would ask the chef if he would make it for us—she could tell by our vibes that we were VIP. Sure enough that chef said he could make it for us and gave us the heads up that if you ask for it they can always make it, not sure how that is.

So when the classy slinger fries arrive I'm a little surprised at how good they look. The first thing you notice was how perfectly the eggs were cooked, I don't think I've been so excited to eat an egg and they fucking delivered. Now there wasn't a full blown burger patty on the plate cause this is an appetizer, SO SOME CLASS! But to make up for lack of meat the chili was full of bold flavors and chunks of what I can only assume was ground beef from an hormone free, locally raised cow. And the fries themselves were really good which sealed the deal for me—slinger fries are really
good, but they're not top ten good.
Tim's Review: I think I was slightly bummed when I found out there was a new slinger too. But it really had nothing to do with the fact that I had to eat another one. It was the fact that I felt obligated to write this stupid post. I've learned 2 things over the past year: #1 after 58 stops, I STILL enjoy a fresh breakfast plate covered in steaming chili. I bet that even once this ridiculous tour is over, I will order the occasional slinger. Certainly not on a weekly basis, but I'm sure the craving will come. And #2: I HATE writing these blog posts. I'm not anywhere close to creative or intelligent enough to come up with 58 different ways to write about eggs, potatoes, meat and chili.

As far as Alumni is goes, they serve up a very respectable slinger. Top of the line egg with some with great fries and chili. It's not top ten material, but I might snack on this shit again, if only for the fact that I know I can go in and order something that's not on the menu. It'll make me feel important.

Stop #57: The Kitchen Sink

Tony's Review: Warning this is not an official slinger. This just had the heart of one and I was wanted a reason to try The Kitchen Sink out for my first time. This place opened up not that long ago right off of Forest Park near the History Museum entrance and I would describe their menu as officially off the chains. Tons of good choices to make and everything I saw when I was there looked really good.

Now let's talk about "THE SINK" their everything dish that we deemed close enough to a slinger to warrant reviewing it. Two biscuits, two sausage patties, tater tots, two eggs, sausage gravy and topped with jalapeno bacon and cheese all served in a metal bowl. Sounds good enough and when this bowl of shit came out I was very impressed by the appearance of a legitimate bowl of slop. Everything looked fresh and smelled great and the first few bites were legit. Gravy was fresh, tater tots were crispy and the biscuits were soft which are things we haven't been used to on this tour. I thought I had a new Top Ten contender until about a 1/3 of the way through. Something happened as I was eating it, seemed like my tastebuds just flatlined and all of these sweet things in my bowl tray just started tasting the same. And then I hit the chopped up sausage patties which were all grouped together in one section and while sausage is good I don't want to eat what felt like a never ending mound of sausage bits.

Don't get me wrong, this dish was really good and I'm looking forward to going back there and trying something new. I give the Sink a high five for making all or most of their food from scratch because you can taste the difference and while this almost slinger had a strong start but a weaker finish it was only $6 and worth every dollar. I would recommend you guys check this place out and when you leave check out Harrison's Popcorn next door, they serve all types of popcorn and the ones I had were tasty as shit and they DO NOT skimp and that magic popcorn flavoring dust.

Tim's Review: This thing was definitely impressive looking coming out of the gate. The fork sticking up right in the middle, like this was some kind of food challenge. I know Tony doesn't think of this as a “real slinger” and I kind of agree with that, but I'd say it was more slinger than some crap we've eaten in the past. Remember that so called “Irish Slinger” at O'Shay's, that wasn't a real slinger either.  I still get pissed when I think about those damn boxty potatoes. I didn't mention this before, but I actually hate boxty potatoes for 2 reasons: 1. They're too much like mashed potatoes and 2. when I had to look up what boxty was, I found out that there is a catchy little jingle about boxty. Now everytime I think about it, I get that damn song in my head!

Anyways, back to the Kitchen Sink. This thing wasn't too bad, but I was a little disappointed when I saw it had those damn tator tots. Those never seem to work out in my opinion, but they didn't really bother me too much this time. I think I had about 4 tots in there, so I guess I'm cool with that.  Some dude next to us had a real sexy looking burger.  I think it might have had a fried jalapeño on top or something. Not sure. All I know is that it looked better than what I had. Not a bad slinger, and definitely worth the money, but the simple fact that I didn't finish this off and get the clean plate award for this thing says it's no top ten. Next time I go back, I'm getting the burger. 

Stop #56: Bones French Quarter

Tim's review: Way out in Ballwin, this little Mardi Gras themed dive bar seems completely out of place. I'm actually really not that familiar with eateries around Ballwin, but for some reason I was a little thrown off when I walked in. Maybe it was because this place seemed a little too lively considering it was not even noon and the drinks were going down so easy. I think I was rubbing the sleep out of my eyes when I saw the bartender pour a shot a jager, then set it down behind the bar. I'm pretty sure she poured it for herself! Hey, whatever it takes to help you get through the day.

So the slinger gets dropped of in front us. It's a pretty good looking pile of crap with all the standards: over easy eggs, burger patty, potatoes, chili and cheese. The potatoes might be some of the most memorable on the entire tour. Perfectly cooked with just the right amount flavor. Unfortunately, the potatoes can't save the rest of this tasteless pile. I'd like to forget that I ever ate the burger that was underneath this mess. This was one of those burger patties that, after a couple bites, I just have to start eating around it because it just ruins everything else. Less than halfway through this plate, I'm only picking out the potatoes. As good the as these potatoes were, the rest of this plate is kind of a failure.

Needless to say, I'll probably never be back. If I need a taste of Mardi Gras covered in chili, I know a couple good places in Soulard that'll treat me right.

Tony's Review: Welcome to Ballwin, MO home of every chain restaurant in the world, families galore and Bones French Quarter the headquarters for every aunt in the world that still parties. We were there on a weekend morning, before noon, and this place was full of 50 year old so and sos geting drunk as hell and putting everyone under 30 to shame. Clearly Tim and I were the biggest pussies in the bar.

After a pretty long wait the troff is set down and I'm instantly impressed with the amount of MELTED cheese on this thing. I then noticed all of the beans hanging out on the plate, pretty sure they were pinto beans and they tasted quite delightful, little did I know at the time that they were the only good thing about the chili. And by chili I mean all of the liquid watery juice that was making everything watery and that didn't offer a whole lot to the plate. Tim is right in the fact that the potatoes were the star of the show. And definitely the first boiled, red potatoes that we've had on the tour but it totally worked on this style of slinger. Another cool thing Bones did was throw in some homemade potato chips which confused me at first since I didn't know what the hell it was but once you figured it out it was pure crisp city. The burger on the slinger was a joke, for some reason they thought it was a good idea to chop this thing up so you which was a great idea if you want to serve a burger with zero flavor.

If you're hanging out in Ballwin on the reg like my friend Sara or my main man Steve John (yes that's a real name) you probably love Bones French Quarter with their Flamin' Dr. Pepper drinks and beads year round. This ins't the worst slinger in the world and it's probably one the best you'll find in Ballwin but for everyone else there is no need to drive this far to eat pretty good potatoes and garbage everything else. 

Stop #55: Mattingly's

Tony's Review: Well something wacky happened and Blogger decided to delete my post and save it after I had written one of the finest pieces of literature ever, but you'll never read it so I guess you'll have to take my word for it. 

I'll let Tim do most of the talking on this one but in brief, the slinger was surprisingly good. I thought for sure this pile was gonna be a pure turd but low and behold Mattingly's pulled it off even with this kick ass Communion party going down in the other room. The chili was top notch and there was plenty of it. The potatoes were really good mixing the worlds of green peps, onions and even some mushrooms to create a truly wild experience. If you're in the market to hang out in Florissant you should check out Mattingly's but I probably wouldn't go there at night time...I'm too dainty.

Tim's Review: For being a sports bar that I would never ever want to hang out at, Mattingly's actually serves up a pretty decent slinger. And I'm pretty certain that this is the first slinger with mushrooms, so congratulations to this dump for being such innovators in the slinger scene. I actually thought the mushrooms were a great addition. As far as missing out on the burger patty, the chili was so damn meaty, I didn't care. In fact, a burger might have even been too much.

You know what? I just remembered that this guy I work with lives in Florissant! Tomorrow, I'm going to tell him that he has to go to Mattingly's and get a slinger. Even better, maybe I should meet him at Mattingly's for a slinger!! As long as I remember not to go on a Sunday, I wouldn't mind eating this shit again.  

So for our legions of followers out in Florissant, be sure that when you schedule your next first communion party at Mattingly's, forget the lame ass buffet of fried foods and just order a round of slingers for the whole family. Best first communion ever!

Stop #54: Ivory Coast Bistro

Tony's Review: Months ago when we ate at Melt we passed Ivory Coast Bistro and they had a board outside that said, "Today's Special: Slingers!" Great. Another place to eat at. Well fast forward to the present, we go to the Ivory Coast Bistro to get a slinger we find out that they don't have one and they only did that special ONE TIME! What the fuck man. Already this slinger sucks. We ask the waitress if they can make us one special, you know since we're big time, then she tells us the kitchen doesn't know what goes on a slinger!!! We should of walked out but due to our extreme professionalism we explained what a slinger was and out came the Ivory Coast Bistro.

It didn't look like a total piece of shit when it came out so I give them bonus points for that. The chili was plentiful and it was rich as hell, dare I say too rich? That's about were the excitement ends unfortunately; sausage, hash browns and the eggs were all really basic and didn't bring anything to the plate.

For not knowing what a slinger is the kitchen did an ok job treating some VIPs right. But at the end of the day there is a probably a good reason why they don't offer this on the menu full time. I'm sure the rest of their breakfast is good but for the time being I have no desire to head back to Ivory Coast Bistro.

Tim's Review: What the hell would you expect when you have to give the waitress instructions on how to cook your food? This thing basically sucked. But I mean that in the nicest possible way. It's not their fault that we asked them to make something they don't really make. They should have just said, “sorry fellas, we don't serve slingers here”, and that would have been the end of it. I guess I should just be grateful that they were nice enough to make this crappy meal for us.

It did actually look like a pretty legit slinger when they brought this thing out. All the right ingredients were there, under a big sloppy pile of chili. Unfortunately, none it was making me want more. I guess given the circumstance, it was exactly what I should have expected. I could have bought all these ingredients myself and made this thing at home. The only thing that really bummed me out was that sausage. It was the rubbery little hockey puck style that you get sick of halfway through the first bite. Oh and I almost forgot, I'm not sure what kind of coffee they served, but it was some of the worst coffee I've ever had. If there was a coffee hall of shit, this place might be at the top of this list.

So considering the fact that this slinger was made on the fly, it actually wasn't the worst one we've ever had. What does that say about City Diner, Uncle Bills, and those other turds in the hall of shit?! How bad must they suck when the Ivory Coast can toss a slinger together at a moments notice and not suck as bad as them? Congratulations Ivory Coast for not making it in the hall of shit.